I’m a parent of two teenagers, and I’ve thought a lot about what has worked for me as they are becoming young adults. I’ve found it a steep learning curve and I’ve had to adapt in almost every way to keep my own sanity as well as theirs. Every family is different – but I hope you find some of these tips useful.
In this blog post I will cover the following topics:
- Getting prepared for change – what might lay ahead as your children become adolescents
- Parenting approaches for younger children I’ve put on the back burner
- My 10 top tips for parenting teenagers
- What is good about the teen years
1. Getting prepared for change
The rumblings start in junior school, then at the age of about ten the jungle drum of puberty starts to be heard. You may notice some new and probably unwelcome behaviours – mood swings, increased sensitivity and frustration, and new fears and self doubts can emerge. At this time of change you and your child will also be asked to take on new challenges – probably a new school, new friends, and serious exams for the first time.
By secondary school a new person will certainly be starting to emerge and leave behind the child you felt you knew better than yourself, and hardest of all that new person may not respond to the tried and tested parenting strategies you have used over the years.
Toughest of all – your role in the parent-child dynamic might also be changing. You may no longer be the person who they most trust, most want to spend time with, whose opinions and ideas they largely take on without question. You may start to be seen as more of someone to be managed and worked around, who may not understand or share their new ideas and interests, whose very presence around them may cause them actute embarrassment.
As a result you may begin to feel a bit sidelined and rejected. They will probably want to spend most of their time with their friends relegating family time to a dull second best. What is more this new person may not yet have developed some of the more positive adult characteristics to accompany their new found desire for independence. For example they probably won’t have a huge amount of empathy for you, and how their behaviour makes you feel. Or even if they do it might be hard for them to express it.
At the same time without a moment’s notice they may want you to be ready to look after them again as they retreat bruised back into childhood while you pick up the pieces. In doing this they will need you to practically sort our their mess without rubbing it in their faces, treating them as if they are still a child, or telling them “I told you so” (even if you did).
This sounds terrible doesn’t it? Well if I am perfectly honest it’s not the easiest. I’ve got two teenagers at home and I am almost out the other side of adolescence with one of them but still in the thick of it with the other. While neither of my two are particularly rebellious in a wild child type way – I’ve definitely had my fair share of dramas.
And I do miss the adoration of my younger children, who were easier to make happy and easier to comfort. Who got excited about trips out, and who could easily slip into a world of imagination. Who did not need to know that much about all the realities of the world.
Its absolutely true that these teenage years have tested me more than I ever thought possible, there is a huge adjustment to go through for everyone and almost everything needs to be recalibrated. Before that as a single (though remarried parent), I must say I felt sort of invincible. Having coped with the death of their father, I felt that there was not much the world could throw at me parenting wise that I could not deal with. However in the teenage years I have certainly had to think again.
However if you are lucky everyone will emerge the other side – and on that side will be a happy well adjusted young person and their very proud parent. There will be a young person who suddenly gets things about the world, about him or herself, and you. Trust me it will probably happen as it has begun to happen to me. But until it does here a few things to avoid and a few things to try.
2. Parenting approaches for younger children I’ve put on the back burner
1. The naughty step/time out
This worked brilliantly for me when I needed to help an angry or frustrated child calm down. But its not that good for teens, as what it can do is send them the message that they need to go and be by themselves and that you are dismissing them. Teens are inclined to be hermits anyway so you may be reinforcing the idea they when they are unhappy they should withdraw. This in turn might be stirring up trouble for future when what you want most is for them to participate and engage.
In fact the best thing to do if you are having an argument with your teen is, rather than sending them away, to take yourself out of the situation instead. Take your own mental break to calm down and reflect so you are ready to have the conversation again. That tactic has certainly saved me a few times.
2. The reward chart and rewards more generally
This doesn’t really work as well as it used to as teens can see the bigger picture beyond the reward itself, and also not all the the things they want may be of a material nature. For example there may be something that they want or want to work towards. However it may not be something that is not up for negotiation (like access to alcohol, drugs, staying up all night, or missing school, for example… ) Or it might be something that you can’t give them however much you would like to – e.g. more self confidence, more friends. higher grades, less stress.
It might still work on occasion if there is something they really want to work towards and some personalities are more patient than others. However teens can be impulsive and doing what you want them to for any length of time might be too much of a challenge and just lead to frustration all round.
However while you may not be able to directly reward your teens with things they want – what you can still use is positive reinforcement to build self esteem see below and also “negotiation”, where you both agree to compromise, each getting a little of what you want.
3. Removal of privileges/valued item as punishment
This is something that I have done a few times successfully and in my experience can still work for the younger teens and in extremis when you have run out of other options. The thing I have removed most frequently is access to technology. However over time I find that tactic it loses its impact. After a while the punishment a teen may receive is actually having to deal with the consequences of the choices they have made. Obviously I have stepped in at times to help rectify a mess, but I really try not to do that too much.
For example if they don’t do their homework they will get in trouble at school. If they are rude to you or other family members they will damage the relationship between you and will not enjoy the feeling of being in the dog house. Or if they over step the mark around more adult privileges like time spent away from the house, their punishment will be that you are less likely to trust them to do these things in future.
4. Clear if not rigid boundaries/do’s and don’ts
When my children were young I set very clear boundaries and rules around behaviour. In general this worked well and when things got out of hand from time to time I would call a family meeting where everyone would be reminded of the rules and things would usually get back on course. On one occasion there was a trip to Legoland at stake if behaviour did not improve and after the family meeting things were turned around quite quickly.
However I tried that recently and it was not really as successful as I had hoped. Each of my children recognised what I was saying but were at different stages and with their own issues. What had made sense before in terms of laying down the law did not seem right for these two young adults. I found that dealing with them each as individuals, recognising their different needs, and different reasons for behaviour that I found difficult was what was needed.
Of course there are still some things which are never acceptable. But these are more lines in the sand that have been drawn and accepted. To give you an idea, my lines in the doing what they need to do to keep themselves safe and sound, always letting me know where they are, who they are with, and when they will return.
Outside of those basic principles, there is plenty of scope for negotiation to solve day to day issues. I find it works best to discuss these openly and agree what the boundaries are on a case by case basis. In this negotiation the terms are more adult to adult with each given the responsibility to come up with a solution or compromise that suits both well enough. I’ve found t hat handling things like this can be a key way of demonstrating and gaining trust (see 1. below).
So if these strategies are not useful as they used to be – what have I found that does work?
3. My 10 top tips for parenting teenagers
1. Showing them you trust them
This is a tough one. At times I have found this mentally a bit like jumping out of a plane without a parachute. However, it is much better to trust them and allow some freedom when it is asked for – whether or not you are convinced they are ready for it.
It is also always better to give them the power to make their own decisions, including major life decisions within reason. You can certainly talk through with them different scenarios, but in the end let them know that you trust them to do what is best and that you will help steer them if things don’t go according to plan.
Of course sometimes things will go to plan, and this will be a huge benefit to your fledgling adult, growing both their confidence and helping build their self esteem.
2. Building their self esteem
This is harder to do than it was in childhood as children are more inclined to respond to your praise without question. There is a chance that in adolescence their natural doubts will mean that they simply won’t believe your praise. I’ve heard “you are just saying that because you are my mother” plenty of times. What they really crave is the acceptance of their peers and there is not all that much you can do to make them believe that they are doing well if they don’t believe in themselves.
However one useful piece of advice I have tried to act on was from Dominique Thompson (who writes extensively on adolescent and student mental health) was that you should not praise the ACTION that the teen has done but the QUALITIES that shows the teen has.
For example, rather than saying “That was a brave thing you did to speak to your teacher to explain why you have not done your homework” – instead say “You are a brave person who did the right thing by speaking to your teacher today”.
3. Biting your tongue and put your own issues to one side
This is incredibly difficult to do, especially when we see avoidable mistakes happening as we watch helpless on the sidelines. However every time I have got too emotionally engaged things have quickly gone wrong. For example, if you show how upset their behaviour is making you feel, or hit out verbally and lose control of your emotions, this tends to add a layer of guilt and fear on top of whatever negative emotions your teenagers may already be experiencing.
There may be all sorts of things that you feel like saying about how they are behaving and its impact on you, however putting these things across calmly and after reflection is always best and there is a chance that they may even listen, and take what you are saying on board.
However hurtful or difficult certain behaviour might be you need to remind yourself that you are still the adult and have a duty as a good parent to be the better or at least the calmer and more stoical person.
4. Setting some clear boundaries but being prepared to negotiate and hear their side of the story
In our family there are a few things that are set in stone. Some of these are rules and others are principles.
For example a principle is that you must champion the underdog if you can, look after those who might be struggling and always be kind and compassionate.
Others are rules which mainly revolve around personal safety and communication. I expect my children to always let me know where they are, who they are with and when they are coming home. I also make the same commitment to them. I can’t say this one is always adhered to 100 percent, but they are in no doubt that this is a rule and not ever up for negotiation.
However there are plenty of other situations in which I have not felt comfortable that what my teens wants to do is the right thing for them or other people. However I have generally tried to hear their side of the story and if I possibly can I’ve let them do what they prefer rather than what I think is best.
5. Be a good listener and don’t dismiss their feelings
There is a fine balance to be struck between being a parent who knows stuff and which they can be desperate to impart to save pain, and being the person who just listens and offers support and comment when asked to.
I’ve not always found this one easy and I’m still working on it – but it is very important and particularly if your teen is struggling mentally or emotionally.
Teens need to be accepted for who they are. Even though you may not agree with some of their opinions and ideas and think they are ill founded, its important not to contradict or undermine them. You can probe gently if you need to into what is behind a particular idea for example, but don’t take it too far. Chances are they will not be as secure as they seem and in time will realise some ideas or conclusions are not what they thought they were. However this process belongs to them and it won’t help if you point out the flaws in their thinking all the time.
6. Give them space to be the person they are becoming
Again not an easy one. You probably have all sorts of hopes and dreams for your teenager. You probably also feel you have a pretty good idea of their strengths and weaknesses and can predict with some accuracy what might be the best path for them. However this is where you need to be flexible. Teens ideas, preferences – dress sense for example, friendships, hopes for the future may be changing all the time.
You may not like some of the choices they make – but unless they are ones that will result in harm to them or others (where I would always step in without question) its much better to give them room to make their own mistakes. This allows them to go through the process of finding out through their own experiences about the person they are becoming.
7. Support them in achieving what they want and not what you want for them
This is very much related. I’ve definitely had to learn this one the hard way. For example, recently my son went through a major change in direction with his education. He is much happier now, and while it was not what I wanted for him at all – now he’s made the change I can see it was the right thing.
I’ve had to reflect on this as its clear that at first my son was responding to my expectations of what he should do based on my own experience. This meant he followed a path that made him unhappy.
I also had a similar experience with my daughter when she wanted to give up ballet. I could see how good she was becoming at it and I was excited for the opportunity she had to go further. When I was young this was not really something that had been open to me and I therefore probably wanted it just as much for myself as for her. However I finally had to let her give it up when she made me a powerpoint spelling out all reasons for leaving it behind!
8. Keeping communication open
This is probably the most important one, and if you follow these other tips then hopefully this will happen naturally.
I have found that if I am am not too authoritarian with my children, am prepared to discuss any topic and if I don’t judge what they do and think – then I get to know about what is happening in their lives. There are a few examples where my children have told me things they have been up to that their friends have not confided in their parents. When dealing with teens and their lives knowledge is power and good communication is key to that.
The main thing is that know they can confide in me about whatever is going on and I won’t be disapproving or over react. (Well at least not outwardly :)).
9. Be a great under cover detective, and be savvy about the technology Wild West
Another thing I found quite shocking at first is that teens do lie. Truthfulness was always at the heart of our family rules and it was very difficult for me the first time I realised I had been lied to over a big thing. However I learnt from other parents that it is normal for teens to lie for a variety of reasons. For example, because there are things they want to do that they know you will disapprove of, or emotions they are finding it difficult to express. Sometimes it might just be the path of least resistance.
At first I found this very hard to deal with. It felt like a complete betrayal of trust – but now I have realised that its part of forging their own identity and becoming separate from you – and its going to happen from time to time. I usually find out what has been going on in the end even if its months or years after the original event. A classic example of this was an iPhone I had passed down that had been dropped in the bath and did not just randomly break for no reason as was claimed at the time!
Partly because of this I have had to be a very good detective. I always keep my eyes and ears open regarding what is happening in my children’s world, and if my instincts are telling me that something is wrong or not what it seems then I tend to listen to those voices.
Its also important as a parent to expect the worst in terms of what might be happening on technology. Teens find out about things like apps and websites by word of mouth and if there are things their friends are into then chances are they are probably on them too. As a result – its important to be aware of what you can do to limit content that might be harmful to your teens or just too old for them. Most devices can be set up with parental restrictions, though its probably not as easy as it should be to put that in place. Here are the guidelines for Apple and Android devices. Also – while my children are still children, and I am legally responsible for them, I reserve the right to look at their phones and their iPads if I feel it’s in their best interests to do so. I try and avoid doing that but I will if I have to, for example if I am seriously concerned about them.
Technology and gaming are disputed areas in many households. Most parents think that their teens spend too long on screens and too little time on more healthy things like exercise outside or useful things like school work. There are various studies that look at the impact of tech usage on children and teenagers – but given the length of time that the tech has been available and how quickly its evolving – its difficult to get any definitive guidance.
I’ve therefore not really got the answer to what is right on this one and its important to find a level that works for each family. While I gave up long ago with trying to limit screen time during the day (especially given that a huge number of social and educational interactions take place on line), in the interests of preserving their sleep and mine – I have put an 11 pm – 7am curfew so everything interesting is disabled and needs a password to activate.
10. Understand how much things have changed since you were a teenager
It took me a while to get my head around this one. At first I saw my children as a bit like me when I was a teenager and I tried to communicate the things that I would have found useful at the time. One of the main things I wanted to get across was the importance of working towards something, showing patience and forebearance.
“If you work hard you will get what you want in the end”. Similarly “Life is not easy we all have our ups and downs and things will get better in time”.
However these concepts of waiting for a open ended amount of time, and being patient that unhappiness will pass – do not really seem to make sense to modern teens. Perhaps this is because my teens have grown up with the Internet – if you want to find something out you don’t have to wait to go to the library or find someone to ask. You just type it in and there it is. Also they have many more material possessions and have not waited so long for these or other treats like holidays or trips out as we did in the 70’s and 80’s -when most families had very limited disposable income and there were no cheap clothes, toys or consumer goods.
Another major difference is their level of insecurity about their appearance and their need to strive for physical perfection. The reason for this is of course that they are forced to compare themselves with others all the time as they scroll though images showing other teenagers and young adults and their lives. They know these images do not represent reality, and they too carefully edit their images and curate their social media presences. However this continuous exposure on the virtual stages of Instagram, Tik Tok and Snapchat is a source of constant pressure. I am convinced this has caused problems for both my children. Both have suffered with body image issues and both have compared themselves with what others are doing and how they look and have felt lacking.
I don’t think I can ever really understand what this feels like as when I was young, I did not see anyone of my own age looking glamorous and amazing. I don’t think the concept of a “lifestyle” existed as such. Also, no-one had the wardrobes or the make up and accessories to even attempt to present themselves in the same way. Other people we could compare ourselves with were other teens at school, or perhaps on the TV, and we had Grange Hill which prided itself on its realism, not US teen programmes like iCarly or Victorious. There were glamorous people certainly like the stars of Dynasty or Dallas, but they were larger than life adults, and too removed from our reality to cause us the same envy.
There are a range of other differences too – and I hate to admit that our best intentioned helicopter parenting styles may not have helped. When I was growing up I was loved and cared for, but when I was a teenager I generally organised myself and worked things out without much parental involvement. I suppose it was a bit of a sink or swim situation. Now most of us parents are disclined to let our teens struggle and are more inclined to step in and do things for them. The problem with this approach is that it might mean modern teens are more slow to develop life skills and may struggle with independence.
I don’t know what the answer is to this one – but its certainly made me think, and I try to take small steps to encourage more independence when I can.
4. What is good about the teen years
The past few years though testing have of course not been all bad. For example after years of sibling rivalry, with endless squabbles and sometimes actual fights, my two now seek out each other’s company and are friends again for the first time since infant school days. There are also achievements to celebrate all the time from new acts of independence, new friendships and getting through tough exams at school. I may have lost my children but I have gained two young adults with whom I can share things in a new way.
For example, when I was writing this blog post I asked my son who is soon to turn 18, for this honest opinion about parenting techniques for teenagers both good and bad. I was comforted by what he came up with – not only because he has reached the point where he can look back reflectively, but also because his list does fit quite well with the tips above.
Things to do
- give sound advice and be open to talking about every topic – however taboo
- be open to hearing whatever your teen has to share
- give enough freedom but not too much
- help to build self esteem by positive reinforcement and encouragement
- help and encouragement with school work
Things to avoid
- too much freedom from a young age – not setting enough boundaries
- putting forward harmful views – sexism, racism, homophobia etc. (contradicting the ideas and ideals they learn at school)
- making teenagers feel guilty by showing too much personal vulnerability, and putting their needs second to your own
- putting on too much pressure to achieve at school
- not being on the ball about what is happening with them
- always siding with authority figures without question rather than being in their corner
